Nobody said Epiphanies were Easy

Not all ephiphanies are the exhilerating Aha! moments in movies with music playing in the background that turns a heart to dancing and emotions to escalate.  Sometimes they are slow coming, and shoved upon us.  Sometimes they are ignored, but not making them any less obvious. 

It's funny how we think things will be sometimes, how every single one of us are guilty of making assumptions of how things will be, how things will turn out, and then come to find out sometimes we learn the hard way that people change, and yet they don't change.  I've always told myself people do NOT change, and then been utterly surprised as I watch people change before my very eyes into better people, or into worse people.  Then as I begin to believe that it's true, people change sometimes, then the ones I expect to change...don't.  It's a strange, totally, completely, unpredictable cycle.  But one thing stays the same so far in my learnings...if they don't change the first, or second time...they don't change.  Friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, you name it. 

You see...if you live right down the road from someone, a friend, a family member, whoever, and they never come to see you...then if you move further away, odds are you still will not see them.  The same goes when you turn things around.  If you live far away from people, and you only see them once in a blue moon when it's convenient, if you move closer, then odds are you aren't going to see them any more than you did before.  People will see you, only as often as they WANT to see you.  They will speak to you only as often as they WANT to speak to you.  They will call just to chat or check on you, just as often as they WANT to.  This isn't a total ephiphany necessarily...it's been a work in progress, that I've slowly been learning, and even more slowly accepting.  The truth is: If someone wants to see you, they will make sure they do.  They will cut out time for you, squeeze time in for you, reserve time for you.  I can't tell you how many miles my car has seen driving to see family and friends EVERY chance we get.  Even when our time is limited, and we are invited two places at once, we are the type of people that will drive two hours one direction and then an hour the other direction and an hour back home if it means seeing the ones we love.  That will probably never change.  But the part of the epiphany that is more painful is when I stop to count on my one hand how many times people jump in their cars and drive to see us. And for some, I can count on one hand how many times on one hand in YEARS, and it kinda makes me painfully sad.  How many times do you text someone and not get a response before you throw in the towel and walk away?  How many times do you ask someone to hang out with you before you never ask again?  How many times do you invite people over before you stop inviting?  How many times do you drive to see people before you say forget it, you drive to see me now? 

I say this with love in my heart and no regrets to the way I have lived my life, the efforts I've put out there, or the thoughts and efforts put out by my amazing, wonderful, loving husband as well...I am coming to terms with my epiphany.  As hard as it may be to grow a thicker skin, I've learned that people can change.  And I am changing.  I have the ones I love closest to me in my life, and that's not changing.  I have the ones in my life that reach out to me and I reach out to them, and odds are things will continue to change and we will only grow closer.  But I'm no longer holding onto relationships or people that haven't even turned around to realize I'm still holding onto them.  If I invite anyone anywhere, I'm no longer asking repeatedly if you're coming and trying to make things happen, instead if I don't get an answer I am making other plans. 

I refuse to ignore the changes right before my very eyes in those around me, but I change too...metamorphosis might not be without it's pains, but I know life will be beautiful because of it.  <3

Picking up the slack...on blogging :)

I haven't blogged in forever! It was so nice to go back and reread my first blog and remember the events going on in our lives and I have inspired myself to continue with this blog journey ha.  So...lets see, since the last blog, Jake and I are married, and happier and closer than we have ever been before.  When I look at him and see how much love we have between us and within us and around us, I swell up with joy, and can't even imagine how crazy in love we will be when we are 36, 46, and 56.  Seth is of course, 7 now, and he is having to grow a little more this year and he is starting to round out into a little boy that is less impulsive and is really considering his actions and their consequences, and how important it is that he is kind to others.  Every night when we put him to bed, we read his bible, and discuss it's meaning in the lessons, and answer any questions, and we all say a prayer individually.  His prayers are so strong for such a young child.  And I nearly cry every time I hear him say "Thank you so much for putting my Mommy and my Daddy in my life, I love them so much."  We got moved into a beautiful home in Weatherford, and I am working in downtown Fort Worth in the Federal building.  Jake and I are both in school this semester, and life is just trucking along.  So there is the update on our course in this life...and now for the most recent events, minor milestones in our day but forever memories...

This past weekend I went to the Ignite Women's Retreat at our church, for the third year in a row, and I am just amazed at what a total piece of work I am, and how amazing it is that God can transform my heart, and I'm not even overwhelmed with all the work that is to be done in my heart because I am not the one that can better myself, only God can.  So I am building my relationship with him day in and day out.  As I sit at his feet I hear him say to me, his daughter, just as I would tell Seth..."Rachel, you have to stop throwing stones at people, you have to learn that no matter what they do, you have to drop the stone and walk away, I am their Father and the judge, stop worrying about what your brothers and sisters are doing! By the way, did I tell you how beautiful and special you are to me.  Don't ever forget that.  You are mine, and I love you, unconditionally.  That stuff weighing you down, it was a mistake, you messed up, it doesn't change my love for you, so stop throwing stones at yourself.  Let's move forward, and I will help you continue to mature and grow more beautiful every day."  Then he goes on "Your marriage is beautiful to me also, I picked you out for Jake, I picked him out for you, and I know what he needs, and I know what you need...so relax, stop trying too hard to be everything to everyone, and come to me first, and I will guide you and tell you what you need to work on each day to give your husband what he needs.  Trust me, I am God, and I am the rock under your feet, and the foundation of your marriage, you are safe with me."  The retreat was wonderful, the friendships were great, I felt useful by being able to help with things, and I got to spend time with my Mother, my Mother-In-Law, and hopefully one day my Sister-In-Law.  Most importantly, I left with an awakening that God is my center, my focus, the rest is just shadows, and that in this life, everything I do must be centered around eternity, and not what is temporary here on Earth. 

I learned something else this weekend too...about endometriosis.  Let me tell you, it's a terrible disease to have, and it robs you of so much, robs you of life and of your time.  Here is what happened, and what I learned afterwards...Jake and I went to Groggy Dog on Lake Granbury to relax and have a date night.  The weather was perfect, cool breeze, and the water shining, lights lit up all around, a musician singing our favorite songs, glass of chilled white win, eating, laughing, joking, loving...an awesome song began to play and we wanted to dance, but nobody was dancing..we didn't care.  We got up and danced anyways.  Then after the musician was finished, they began to play hip hop music and old school hip hop, and we were joking about those and talking to each other.  We haven't had alone time in quite some time and it was so nice.  Then it happens, out of nowhere, my stomach begins to feel like someone has taken a knife blade with no handle and implanted it into my stomach where every move every turn every motion makes it hurt worse.  I tell Jake my stomach is killing me.  I start to get frustrated because I've been dealing with this for years and I'm so tired of it.  Before I know it, I'm asking Jake if he is ready to go and telling him I'm sorry I'm in pain as if it is my fault. Then I tell him I know this disease effects him too and it sucks.  He keeps telling me no it doesn't.  I'm thinking how does it not effect my husband?  Sometimes I can barely go places, sometimes I absolutely cannot get up without his hand to help me, sometimes I can't sit up straight because it hurts to stretch it out, and sometimes I want to take Seth outside and play kickball with him and I can't, and before I know it I'm angry at this disease.  Women that have this disease understand and can empathize.  What I learned Saturday night was this...my husband, a wonderful man, while effected by my disease, CHOOSES to not let it change his attitude.  I'll be realistic, when I'm in pain I can't always smile, even if I try.  But I make a choice to either accept it and not dwell on the what if's and long lost time...and I found it in my heart to do my best to develop the attitude of a positive person, to be thankful for the times that are good, which is 75% of the time I'm without pain thanks to the new meds my doctor has me on.  My husband has chosen to be with me for better or worse, and it is my job to be better when things are worse.  It was a revelation: I cannot do anything about this and can never change the circumstances of when it might show up at innopportune times...but I can change how I react to it. 

Moving on...I want to share how proud I am of our son.  Last night in our bedtime bible study with Seth we learned the lesson and ended with A man of God shares God's word.  I asked Seth if he shares God's word, he said "Yes."  I said "With who?"  Here is where I will venture off track for just a moment (but it is purposeful venturing).  We often ask Seth what he is learning at school, reading, math, manners, etc.  We even go so far as to ask about his relationship with his teacher if he likes her, is it his favorite teacher, etc.  But how often do we ask about our children's other relationships, with their friends, what they talk about, their relationship with God, and if they keep it separate from school or if they are following God day in and day out.  Are MY relationships holy, am I keeping my relationship with God day in and day out so that my son can learn by example...and be a reflection of me and Jake.  So after I asked Seth "With who?"  He says...My friend Carlos.  In that moment I was so proud of my son for grasping the concept of sharing God's word, that he had put it into practice before we even learned this lesson about sharing it.  My son's heart is so precious.  I want to protect it with all I have.  So I asked what he tells Carlos.  He said the funniest thing, but a true thing..."That if we tell lies, and tell lies, and tell lies all the time that we will go down to the devil and that Jesus died on the cross so we can go to heaven."  Sometimes I get so caught up in the frustrations of my child's mistakes, such as he talked to much again in school today and he didn't put his book up like I told him to, he got toothpaste all over the sink AGAIN, he did this he did that...but again I am learning to relax, and see God in everything, and my son, while he talks too much at school 3-4 days out of 5 for the week, he manages to talk about something eternal, and I am so proud of him.  After we said our prayers last night, I kissed his soft ivory cheeks over and over and told him I loved him, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see his grin. 

I think I have wrote enough for one day...I am overflowing with blessings of the heart today and all weekend.  I love my family, all of them, my sisters, my brother, my parents, and my inlaws.  I'm one lucky person.